Tag Archives: Worst Films

The 10 Worst Films of 2014

Last year I had a blast watching over 100 movies (143 to be exact) before the year ended, this year I managed a paltry 84 in comparison which almost makes the idea of stating my 50 favourite films of 2014 ever so slightly pointless considering the year it has been and the titles I missed along the way. For instance I am still kicking myself for not having watched Life Itself yet, a film that commemorates as much as celebrates the life of renowned film critic Roger Ebert. I also haven’t seen The Imitation Game despite cries from many of my friends that I must find a place for it on my end of year list. However I will endeavour to stick to tradition and tell you my 50 favourites even if the quality of film in 2014 has left much to be desired.

However first of all we need to talk about what didn’t work this year, the worst of the worst. These are 10 (and a few honourable mentions) films that emerged in one of the weakest years in film history (at least in my opinion) to really depress and enrage audiences beyond belief.

Warning, Spoiler Alert


Honourable Mention 1: 300: Rise of an Empire – I was never a fan of the original 300 but it had its moments, some fine performances and plenty of inventive fighting. Rise of an Empire takes what came before and defecates all over it as director Noam Murro repeats the same tired action moves but with the added pleasure of watching them unfold in ultra slow motion. In fact almost half the film is slowed down for dramatic effect as if the pacing makes a tragic attempt at grandiose storytelling bearable when in fact it just makes it sad.

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Honourable Mention 2: Non-Stop – Did you ever have that playground bully that used to tease you incessantly until you just snapped and you did something violent. That is the kind of cat and mouse drivel that Non Stop provides. Neeson, a US Marshall is mocked and picked on by an unknown passenger so much so that he decides to abuse a load of innocent civilians. What a charming little film.


Honourable Mention 3: Walking on Sunshine – Don’t get me wrong, I like musicals. Maybe even more than I should admit so when I came across a musical incorporating the best tracks of the 80s I had to see it, leaving me to wonder what kind of drug can make me unsee it. Cheesier than a Dairylea factory, Walking on Sunshine butchers popular classics in the name of entertainment while forcing you to follow two of the worst human beings ever written. I will never be able to hear Whitney Houston’s classic How Will I Know again  without some terrifying beach furniture related flashbacks.


If that gives you any indication of the tripe that follows on the ACTUAL list I beg you to avoid these 10 films at all cost.

sylvester-stallone-explains-why-the-expendables-3-will-be-rated-pg-13-instead-of-r10. The Expendables 3 – Sylvester Stallone strikes again with yet another Expendables chapter that feels more like Sly trying desperately to convince people he is still relevant. Both the script and the actors present scream of desperation as Stallone tells a story of experience over youth, something that wouldn’t be played out if the other 2 weren’t about THE EXACT SAME THING. At least I got to see Mel Gibson in something as he proves that even he can elevate a character tragically named Conrad Stonebanks. I mean Stonebanks, seriously?


  1. Pompeii -How do you make a disaster movie feel less like a disaster movie and more like a colossal waste of time? Why you add a tragic love story for viewers to gag over. Add a hammy Kiefer Sutherland, a truly dreadful Emily Browning and Kit Harington and a disaster that doesn’t start until the 3rd act and you have Pompeii, Paul WS Anderson’s latest attempt at something that doesn’t have zombies. Just go back to what you’re (relatively) good at Paul. Also, Milo the Gaul, you couldn’t pay people to write this nonsense and yet thats what you went ahead and did.


  1. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – There was a reason this came out in January. The reboot of this floundering franchise is stunted, predictable and most of all, it’s idiotic. Ryan (Chris Pine) spends most of the film wondering how the Russians are going to collapse the US in one attack and yet he can’t quite seem to figure out that bankrupting a country would do just that. The film ends with a ridiculous attack on the Stock Exchange that could have been prevented from the very beginning by just using some common sense but Ryan is to busy and moronic to do that  probably because hes too busy spending most of the films runtime checking into expensive hotels, eating out in expensive restaurants and living like royalty. He is literally the worst spy ever and I’ve seen I Spy with Eddie Murphy.


  1. Interstellar – Now I know having this here is controversial but I dare you to rewatch Interstellar even if you liked it with the most cynical pair of glasses you have. The plot doesn’t make any sense, the cinematography while stunningly displaying the vastness of space is lazy and completely static meaning many of the film’s action sequences or moments of tension are muted by the fact they all look completely still. However the kicker is the films message, one so heavy handed you feel like you’ve been slapped around by it. If you didn’t figure it out by the end of the film, it’s that love can save the world but the way I see it is that one completely crazy redhead (Jessica Chastain) had a notion that her watch contained a secret message from her father on how to travel to other planets. Because if you can believe that you can believe anything, like Christopher Nolan hasn’t completely lost touch with reality making this overstuffed, overlong piece of pompous garbage. This might mark the end of the Mcconnaisance.


  1. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – All I have to say about this film is that if I were a member of Lizard Squad I would be more offended Sony was going to release this than The Interview. It’s just that bad.

Russell Crowe as Noah

  1. Noah – I swear at no point in the bible did it mention fallen angel golems helping Noah build his Tardis Arc only to try and murder a load of baby humans for what seemed to be the hell of it. Then again I haven’t read cover to cover. It might just be in the appendices. On the serious side, Russel Crowe should be ashamed of himself for getting involved with a film so tone deaf and ultimately boring that it may have actually turned people away from Christianity just because it gave the impression that stories about God actually sucked the joy out of us.

The Maze Runner, 2014

  1. The Maze Runner – Considering there is another on the way, I can’t help but think that a large proportion of people went to go and see this unbelievably nonsensical picture. My only hope is that they also tried desperately to wipe any memory of this from their minds as quickly as humanly possible. Being a huge Teen Wolf fan I couldn’t help but watch Dylan O’Brien’s first forray into blockbuster films and what I was given was loads of young adults running away from robot spiders and screaming A LOT. The mythology rich film completely crumbles in its final moments as it forces you to realise that you have been watching a pointless and emotionless tale of man overcoming….man?


  1. Paranoia – Liam Hemsworth Running, just type that into youtube. It will say wealths more about Paranoia than I ever could.

LUCY, Scarlett Johansson, 2014. ph: Jessica Forde/©Universal Pictures/courtesy Everett Collection

  1. Lucy – I love The Fifth Element, it is one of the best Science Fiction films ever made full stop. Lucy, a film also by Luc Besson is one of the worst. A 17 year gap between the two and the only thing that has improved is the visual effects and even the ones in Lucy pale in comparison to the inventive ways visual effects are used in the former. While the concept of Lucy is interesting the film gets more and more outlandish as the film goes on until Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) literally turns into a USB stick. Uh, what?


  1. I, Frankenstein – Easily the worst film of 2014 and maybe even of the last decade or so, I Frankenstein is a torturous watch. Using the same anti-hero formula of Underworld, a film that clearly inspired this exercise in lunacy, I Frankenstein turns a sympathetic yet monstrous creation into a self involved tool of a man whose only goal in life is to do, nothing? The main character is literally a undead, muscled slob who intends to live out his life doing nothing but actually ends up saving the world in between watching Netflix and trying to get his end away with hot scientist Yvonne Strahovski. The whole message of I Frankenstein is to achieve anything monumental in life you must be willing to be as lazy as humanly possible. Wait, why the hell am I writing this then?


Well there you have it, the 10 worst films to hit cinemas this year. Come back tomorrow for the first part of my 50 Best films of 2014.


What I Learnt from 100 Movies


On the 12th of September I finally made it, I could finally say that in 2013 I was a film fan, for I had watched my 100th new release of the year. Sure it wasn’t the best film, it wasn’t the worst either but it had class and it got me over the threshold of the century. The film was Travis Fine’s Any Day Now, a quiet movie about two gay lovers and their attempts to keep a mentally handicapped boy in their care during the 1970s.

Some might ask why I didn’t wait to see Riddick so that at least a few people might know what I was talking about when I wrote this article but the truth is I thought a film like Any Day Now might just be the character driven film that deserved to be No. 100, oh and Riddick was already 99.

What I realised when watching Fine’s often sanctimonious yet consistently moving picture is that it didn’t really matter what film I saw to reach this supposedly lofty total, the total didn’t even matter. Somewhere in the world there is a man/woman who has seen over 130 films this year and yet that will not stop him/her from watching another 30 before the year is out. What matters is that drive to experience different things every time you enter that darkened room.

Obviously not every experience was a pleasant one, for instance, I luckily wasn’t beaten and bruised by my brothers when I forced them to sit through A Good Day to Die Hard, John ‘Max Payne’ Moore’s hypothetical answer to our planets overpopulation problem. Luckily I went alone to Disney’s Planes, a Cars knockoff with almost the same exact characters and some not so subtle racism thrown in for good measure.

That being said, 2013 on the whole has treated most moviegoers to a decent crop of blockbusters, indie features and documentaries to whet even the most apathetic of whistles. In fact it may have taught viewers a thing or two like it did me. Now forgive me if I ramble on or gush a little but here are but a few things that I learnt about the movies this year and by extension, about life.

First and foremost I learnt that deep down I’m a sucker for a love story, from the grand romantic notions of Cloud Atlas (I’m British, here it came out in February) to the simplistic pleasures of Love is All You Need, Pierce Brosnan’s heartfelt tale of an introverted widow (Brosnan) meeting a erratic yet quite lovely cancer survivor (an excellent Trine Dyrholm). However some love stories proved too saccharine, over the top and most of all stupid to be worthy of watching twice. Films like Safe Haven, The Sessions and failed Twilight replacement Beautiful Creatures unfortunately find themselves in this category.

If romance isn’t your thing, finding a decent horror film proves just as hard in 2013 as it was last year. Last year found its saving grace in Cabin in the Woods and 2013 luckily has the wonderfully gruesome and genre hopping You’re Next, a mixture of family drama and slasher flick filled with snappy dialogue and wonderfully excessive scares and kills. Also worth a watch is Jennifer Chambers Lynch’s Chained, a disturbing, unflinchingly brutal look at the life of a young boy brought up in the same house as the man who killed his mother, a serial killer with a deep hatred for women. Clearly not a film for children, Chained is a telling story of human optimism and the never ending desire for something better, a message buried beneath the films horrific content. Ultimately great horror films contain some of the most important statements about humanity and the way we react to trauma. Bad horror films on the other hand seem to sap the life out of the heart racing genre. The Conjuring managed to get my heart pumping right up until the point it became a little too outlandish to handle.

While films like Chained look at hypothetical situations and characters worthy of following, documentaries often provide a look into the life of an individual or group worth devoting your time to. Jiro Dreams of Sushi, a look into the mind of praised sushi chef Jiro Ono is one of those films, not only a look into a culture we still don’t fully understand (The study of Japanese culture is a common trend in 2013, see Emperor and The Wolverine) but a man whose work habits and commitment to excellence will astound almost any casual viewer (World leaders and Nobel prize winners should only be mildly impressed). Films like Side by Side on the other hand use the medium of film to say very little and pander to a group of film watchers much like myself with a passion for the medium without actually discussing it in any real depth. Then there are the offensive ones, the documentaries made by people who clearly haven’t heard of the word tact. The Act of Killing lacks the moral core needed to make a topic like the 1965 Indonesian genocide acceptable to discuss. Directed by Joshua Oppenheimer it treats the event like an inevitability, a necessary evil and it tells its story by interviewing the perpetrators and no one else. To call it one sided and callous is not cruel enough.

Getting the bitter taste of a film like that takes some doing but thankfully comedy has made a comeback in 2013 after last years depressing turnout. However raunch seems to be everyones favourite flavour at the moment with films like This is the End and We’re the Millers taking the box office by storm. British comedy on the other hand seems to be the critical darling with films like The World’s End and Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa winning over critics all over the country and for good reason. The World’s End may be the most anticipated of the two but Alpha Papa will leave you laughing all the way to your car and a good distance of the trip home.

Low budget comedies like Drinking Buddies and Robot and Frank also made an impact, not for their laughs but for their clever concepts and moving stories with Joe Swanberg’s Drinking Buddies being the perfect antithesis to the modern romantic comedy. In fact Robot and Frank perfectly advertises a new emerging trend in Hollywood at the moment, the old age comedy. Films like Fisher Steven’s Stand Up Guys and Robot and Frank wouldn’t have been made five years ago but with the emergence of popular hits like The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and this years delightfully quirky Quartet, the old age comedy has quickly developed as one of this years most prevalent trends.

Finally 2013 has continued the slow empire building of Disney and their sister company Marvel with the box office hits of Iron Man 3, the aforementioned Planes and February’s Wreck It Ralph (Once again, I’m British and we have an odd release schedule). In fact big budget blockbusters as always have occupied most of the summer months with hits like Star Trek: Into Darkness, Oblivion and Man of Steel proving that Sci-Fi is now the name of the game. Defending the honor of big budget action is the ever popular Fast and Furious 6, a decent way to spend two hours without doing too much cerebral exercises but most of all this year taught me that big budget blockbusters will never be as good as small independent yet personal films.

If anything 2013 has been better than 2012, something I didn’t think possible due to last years plethora of excellent titles but films like The Impossible, Django Unchained, Cloud Atlas, Mud and the indescribable joy that is Before Midnight have proved me wrong and have taught me the most important lesson of all, never jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to the movies.