Part 2 of my list is comprised of a much anticipated follow up to a loved instant cult classic as well as a sequel nobody wanted, as well as three unpleasantly dull low budget horror films released last year. Without further ado here are numbers 15 to 6 of my worst films of 2013.
15. Only God Forgives – Drive is a special film, it mixes 80s pulp with a modern day world and it does so in a new and unexpected way. Nicholas Wending Refn’s follow up is, for lack of a better phrase, a mess. Not only is the film’s story so small it could fit a short film but the film’s lead character Julian (Ryan Gosling) is a blank slate. This was envisioned so that people could fit into his shoes and imagine what they would find themselves doing but honestly, who would want to. Julian is a horrible person, much like everyone else in this neon slop. Even if you ignore the often pointless karaoke scenes and the jump to conclusion plot it’s an unmitigated disaster of a picture.
14. Grown Ups 2 – Of course it had to be in the list. Grown Ups 2 is a horrific, bland and completely humourless film designed for kids and families. When your film opens with Adam Sandler being pissed on by a moose you know you are in for a Sharknado-esque mess of over the hill actors trying to retain some level of star rating. Sandler is still a likable actor but Grown Ups 2, much like its predecessor is just a cash grab by a greedy studio. The odd part of this whole sordid saga however is the fact that this drivel actually made money. Maybe thats the most disappointing part?
13. Insidious Chapter 2 – Insidious is the first of three equally dire horror films pumped out in 2013. From acclaimed horror director James Wan (Saw, The Conjuring) comes this follow up to the equally obnoxious Insidious. Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson return as the Lambert family as they try to remove the spirit haunting their house. The problem with the film isn’t the way the horror is shown, some moments give genuine scares, its the complete rehash that the film is. Almost every part of the story is the same, the formula the film is written using hasn’t changed, Wilson is still equal parts scary and protective, it’s just identical.
12. Outpost 11 – This micro budget British horror film is set during a fictional war between England and an unknown, powerful foe. However we don’t actually get to see any of that interesting stuff. Outpost 11 is set in a small research outpost as the inhabitants start going slowly mad. The film takes place in the same 3 rooms as three soldiers try to overcome this strange mind control. Confusing, poorly filmed and designed, Outpost 11 is a hateful mess of big ideas with no clue of what to do with them.
11. Frankenstein’s Army – This direct to DVD release pitted Soviet soldiers against a mad scientist and his battalion of monster creations he has spend years developing. Despite its 1940s setting, Frankenstein’s Army is a found footage film as one man goes around filming everything that he sees, things like badly designed monsters with odd clamping head chambers, people falling down completely manageable stairs and other hilariously awkward visuals. It’s paint by numbers horror movie creation from the post Cloverfield generation and it reeks of desperation
10. The Mortal Instruments : City of Bones – I could enjoy The Host despite its attempts at becoming the next Twilight film because it was an entertaining genre hopping western/sci-fi thriller. The Mortal Instruments however is trying to take Twilight’s hated place in society without and kind of decent film to lure people in. The first Twilight was oddly entertaining despite the gloomy setting and emotionless central couple. City of Bones relies upon wooden Lily Collins and a dreadful Jamie Bower Campbell and a fantasy plot so stupid its hard to understand why anybody bothered in the first place.
9. Planes – This Dane Cook starring animation doesn’t look to shabby. It’s well animated, and features some great visuals but its almost the same film as Cars, the Pixar film this Disney flick is crafted out of. Cobbled together out of spare parts from other Pixar films, Planes fills its tale of overcoming adversity and other peoples thoughts by concentrating on the important stuff: not so subtle racism, sexist stereotypes and moronic characters. It’s the perfect trifecta to sink this shameful family picture giving audiences yet another reason to hate Dane Cook.
8. Movie 43 – Released in January, Movie 43 is the comedy anthology film from hell. Starring every big name actor you can imagine in small vignettes designed to make other comedy films look better. Everyone from Richard Gere to Kate Winslet is in this horrifically bloated and deranged feature, an idea crafted by directors such as the Farrelly Brothers. Obvious and without subtlety of any kind, Movie 43 really highlights the worst comedy imaginable as high quality actors sully their reputations collectively to bring out one of the worst comedies of all time.
7. Stolen – I won’t say much about Stolen as it found its way onto my worst list last year before I realised it was released in Britain in 2013. Suffice to say it’s a truly awful film to make it onto two separate lists and you should avoid this Nicholas Cage, Josh Lucas vehicle like the plague, which is oddly what it looks like Lucas has in this film.
6. Baggage Claim – Every year there is a comedy film aimed at the African American community that makes its way over to England for everyone to hate. The film follows an Air Stewardess called Montana (see what they did there?) who travels the country looking for Mr Right. When she cannot find him she begins looking through her old boyfriends and stalking them on the flights they are taking. Unlike Planes this is full blown sexist as Montana makes a fool out of herself over and over for an archaic reason. The film is made worse by the films many characters who play for laughs while doing horrible things. Be it Taye Diggs telling Montana to shut up while pretending to be the worlds worst jester to Adam Brody playing for chuckles as a gay man with no sense of humour. However the kicker is Montana herself as actress Paula Patton turns her into the ultimate carpet as people walk all over her, including relatives. Ultimately its hard to respect a film which doesn’t respect its characters, no matter how pathetic or useless they are.
Do you have any films from this year that deserve to be on this list? Is there one here you disagree with? Let me know in the comments below.